You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
