Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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