I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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