don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
