So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
