Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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