Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
