i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
