wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
