Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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