i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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