When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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