wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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