When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
