First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
