why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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