i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
