I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
