It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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