the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
