there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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