he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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