I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
