I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I deserve this hangover.
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