We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
