he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
