i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
