I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
