good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He? As in you personified your dick?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I love you.
Bad choice
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