I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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