I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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