I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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