The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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