My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
