Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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