marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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