nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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