if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
