dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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