I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
