I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
