Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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