I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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