Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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