I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
