I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
