i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
