He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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