I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
