i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
