those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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