watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
