My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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