Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
