Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
